Lover Dearest Part 1
by Mtrench247
Summary: This Is A Story Based Upon Josh Ramsay's Past , With his battle with drug addiction, Depression, Eating Disorders and cutting , also a lot of drama , :
1. Chapter 1

**K well this is my first story and i know it sucks :/ but i promise it will get better, and i know the parts are small the first few will be , but ill try my best to make it longer and post fast! TRENCHER4LIFE 3**

Matts P.O.V

'Uhm I'll be right back' Josh Said as he ran to go to the washroom

'Man I swear everytime we eat with him he always goes to the bathroom after' mike said

'I know! I guess when he eats all the food goes right through him' I said everyone laughed

10minutes later ...

'back'

'took long enough what you do shit out all your organs or something?' I joked

Josh didn't seem to think it was funny he just walked right past me and to the car

'what crawled up his ass?' mike said

'I don't wanna know'

Me and mike walked to the car , The ride home was silent, Alls you could hear was other cars zooming by , Josh sat alone in the back seat , fidgeting with his fingers , he looked like he was deep in thought ..

'Josh?' I said '  
>what?' he hissed<p>

'whoa I was just gonna ask if your alright'

'I'm fine.'

'you sure?'

'yes , now fuck off'

No one spoke after that , we drove to the band house and all got out . Me and mike were almost at the door when realized Josh wasn't following us , But he was heading down the side walk

'Yo Josh where are you going?' mike shouted

'none of your business!' Josh shouted back

With that he walked faster, mike and I shrugged it off and walked into the house .

'hey, have a good time at dinner?' Ian asked walking into the kitchen

'it was alright' I said , as I grabbed a beer

'Josh still being an ass?'

'when isn't Josh being an ass?'

They both chuckled grabbed a beer , and we just spent the night watching hockey .


	2. Chapter 2

Josh's P.O.V

Fuck man matt and mike need to mind there own fucking business ,  
>its fucking freezing outside , did I mention in Vancouver we have the coldest winters EVER ! but I needed some more heroine I was almost out ,<br>and that wasn't good, I went down to 132 road and turned in the back ally and saw him

'hey! Josh'

'hey man' I spoked to Greg my dealer

'you got the money?'

'yah you got the stuff?'

'of corse I do ' he chuckled

'great ! Here's the money'

He handed me the heroine I gave him the money we said bye and I went my way and he went his.

I walked to the park sat on the park bench , it was probably 11:48pm no one was outside so I didn't care ,

I did what I had to do to get my high, every little thing i went through to get it was worth it, i felt amazing, well actually i felt nothing at all excatly how i wanted to feel, see when i was younger i had depressiong , an eating disorder and became additced to heroine, but my family found out when i was about 17 they told me to either get out or go to rehab so i was 17 i had no where else to go to i went to rehab i was just gonna go to get them off my back, but once i was clean for so long i didnt go back ... until now.. My band Marianas Trench

you may have heard of us , we got pretty big. Some of our songs are based off my problems , and the band may have not known but singing those songs each night, made me realize how much i loved my addictions, how they were the only things i felt like i had, and i still fell like there the only things i have, so everytime i sang those songs it made me wanna go back to them , then it got to the point where i well..did go back to them and here i am now relapsing on all this shit , i kow eventually everyone will find out, give me shit , ill get sent back to that hell hole but i also kinda figured bu then ill be dead anyway , so i might as well enjoy this till then.

I got up off the park bench once the herione kicked in real well and started walking home, im not sure if the guys will still be up and i hope there not, but if they are i dont really give two sense if they are, its just ive never actually been in contact with them when im like this and what i mean by like this is high .


	3. Chapter 3

Mikes P.O.V

So Josh has been acting real weird lately , being all rude in all , but we keep letting it slide cuz it probably just the album release dates coming up pretty fast and were not done yet .  
>We heard the door creak open and there was Josh standing there<p>

'oh look who we have here' matt said

'what?' Josh said he looked shocked and alittle shaky to see us here.

'you were gone for 2 hours man'

'so ?'

'I was just saying..'

'ya well I don't want you saying anything , your not my mom so fuck off I'm old enough to do what I want and if I wanna come back 2 hours later I fucking will!'

me,matt and ian all glanced at each other, shocked of how easy josh flipped on Matt, and over nothing just matt caring about his best friend..

matt looked pissed well inraged at what josh just said , or how he said it.

'old enough ? Dude you've been acting like a fucking 2 year old lately with all these freak outs and fits ! '

'your point?'

'theres something wrong! That's my point' Matt stood up and faced Josh , me and Ian just stood here in complete shock

'there's nothing wrong! Now back the Fuck off!' Josh said as he shoved matt away from him Matt just stood there , obviously pissed off and upset

'Josh .. we all know somethings up and man we care about you so please you gotta tell us we're you best friends and you're family..'

'i never asked for you to care and for one your not my fucking family nor my best friends your just some guys in a band with me so fuck off and stop caring and do what you do best which come to think of it is nothing' josh smirked and walked off

ian stood up and started walking towards the way josh just went clearly wanting to knock some sense into him, but matt stopped him .

'dude let me go! hes needs to get is act straight and i was just about to do that ' ian said

'dont' matt said

'why not?'

'because you heard him were just some guys in a band with him, so why go knock some sense into him if he wants us not to care ? we're not even his friends...'

ian sat back down across from me, both me and ian staring up at Matt,

'matt .. man you alright?'

'no.. im not alright i just found out the guy who i thought was my best friend, doesnt think of me as his..and theres something clearly wrong with him and hes not telling us what ... '

'will find out soon, man I promise, he's probably just tired from all this band and music shit going on '

'yah your probably right' matt smiled 'well I'm gonna go get some rest night guy's '

Ian sat back down , he looked over at me

'do you honestly think its just the ban and music stuff?' I spoke

'well I'm not sure , but I hope it is .'

'I think we all do'

'well I agree with matt , I'm gonna go get some rest to man , night '

And with that Ian walked off , I sat there for at least another 10minutes before I went to bed and I walked past josh's room to get to mine and his door was opened just a tiny bit , and I saw Something I wish I didn't see ...


	4. Chapter 4

Joshs P.O.V

After the big blow up I had in the living room , I came straight to my room lit up a smoke to relax , God I'm so worthless I can not believe I said that FUCK now there Definatly gonna know somethings up I can't believe that I'm this stupid. FUCK I'm so pissed , I'm so worthless I just wanna die ...

'Hey maybe ... I wonder where my razors at ...' I spoke to myself I searched for a bit ,

"AHA I found you!" i said twirling my razor around in my hand,

I know most people probably think im physco or crazy for doing this, And should be in like a mental home, But they don't know what its like to be like me, Or well to think the way i think amd see the way i see, if you we're me you'd hate you self to, always distapointing the ones you love and lost of other things i mean i cut my self to realise the pain i have on the inside and make it physical so i can really feel it so i can punish my self for what i have done thats why i do it , to feel something , Something i wouldnt feel with out it.

I moved away from the dresser where i found my razor and sat on the end of the bed and rolled up my light blue button up shirt sleve on my left hand, felt my arm up and down , and then i took and point the razor right near the top of my wrist and pushed down and watched as a long line of blood drew then rolled down my arm , then i did it again this one of deeper and stung more but i loved it just as i was about to do by last line , Someone came throught the door shouting at me, my worst fear was one of them seeing me like this , or doing this and that fear came true...

Mikes P.O.V

I burst right through the door after what I just saw

'JOSH ! Man what the fuck are you doing !' I shouted

I must of scared him cuz the razor flew out of his hand and he was white as a ghost well worst then he usually is , I ran for the razor as fast as I could so he couldn't get it

Next thing i knew ian , And matt came rushing to the room

'Mike what happened we heard-'

Matt stopped speaking after what he saw in front of him was Joshua Ramsay the lead singer of our band with blobs of blood rolling down his left wrist the man we all thought was geting better actually got worse and we werre all to blind to see it , but now we had him right in front of our eyes clear as day , and we fianally saw,  
>what we missed and that was a pained man, but not just any pained man but our best friendband mate/lead singer..

Ian , Matt, Josh and I all not speaking or saying anything at all but instead we all just watched Josh , Who sat on the end of his bed not staring at any of us but watching the blood fall from the cuts, off in la la land obviously not wanting to look at us after what we all just saw happen but it didnt look like josh didnt want us to see it it actually looked like he was happy for us to see it ..

'Josh ... ' Ian said

No answer

'josh .. '

No answer

'JOSH!'

The only reaction we got was him moving his head slowly towards us , His pale, Pale face looking at us with his dull , Soulless blue eyes , with dark circles around them , he just sat there letting us exam him , as we could all see , what we feared is he ... He ... Relapsed . 


	5. Chapter 5

Ians P.O.V

I was about to fall asleep when I heard mike yell so my reaction of corse was to go see what was wrong ,  
>I saw matt going to see what was up to we walk to josh's room<p>

'Mike what happened we heard-' matt stopped

I could not fully see what was going on cuz I was standing in the door frame but I stepped around matt to see what they were looking at and I couldn't believe it ..

It was Josh .. Sitting on the end of his bed with cuts on his wrist , with blood dripping from each of them .

It was silent for a while but I decided to break the silence

'Josh...'

No answer

'Josh..'

No answer

'JOSH!'

He just turned his face and looked up at us ... God it was terrible I heard a slight gasp come from Matts mouth .

He was so pale . He relapsed it was so obvious now looking at him and seeing the cuts , the marks from him doing heroine up his right arm, his bones sticking out of his body .. It was absolutely so disturbing to look at but none of us could take out eyes off of him.

'J-Josh .. W-why?' matt stuttered

'I dunno'

'don't tell me you don't know why you did all this shit again!'

No answer

'Fuck man! You were doing so good ! Why the fuck ruin it! Oh my god I can't believe this! FUCK! and none of us saw it either ! '

Matt punched the wall obviously making us all jump

'Josh answer us please' mike pleaded 'just tell us why'

'because ... I hate my self .. I've always have .. Like I don't even know why I'm here man , there's nothing to live for , and those songs fuck , those songs' Josh paused for a bit leaving it silent for a few minutes .

then he started speaking again

"I was doing so good wasn't I? but those fucking songs , each time I performed one of them , the memory's man I don't even know why I did it ... I-I just missed the rush and the control , the pain ... Being numb but still feeling something FUCK Mike why the hell didn't you just let me do it ! I just wanna end it ! Give me the razor back! Please !That's all I want ! And I'll be happy "

He started to cry , he fell to his knees and started balling his eyes out to be honest I use to think Josh was the strongest ,  
>he Use to look invincible , he use to be a hero to thousands of people , who were dealing with stuff like him , but I guess while he was helping them he fell into the path again ..<p>

Matts P.O.V

After what Josh said I was in shock but more in shock of what I saw , I can't believe he went down this path again but I can believe that none of us noticed this .

'How long?' mike asked

No answer

'how long?' mike yelled

'3 years' Josh answered

When I heard that answer I looked at Ian and mike who also looked at me , just in shock once again ,

' 3 years ... I can't believe we never noticed' I spoke

'i can .. ' Josh said

'what do you mean ''you can?''

'I mean it's always been this way , the signs have always been so obvious but yet you guys are so blinded that you never saw any of them '

* Silence *

Was all that was there .

'Now mike I'm gonna ask nicely , Can I have my razor back?' Josh said

'what the fuck Josh!' I said

'what?'

'this is bull shit ! You know what there's absolutely no point in lecturing Josh about this , you wanna know why ?  
>I'll tell you why cuz he's fucked up! And even if we did help him he wouldn't care he wouldn't try to change it , this , I mean he is fucking worthless !' with that I walked out , I was pissed I mean wouldn't you be pissed if you were in my situation , yah I may have been harsh but that's the truth "<p>

I walked off to the kitchen , grabbed a glass of water , I turned away from the sink and saw Mike and Ian standing there

'really matt ? Really? Ian said

'yea really , he needed to hear the truth '

*Silence*

'Uhhh this band is falling apart' Mike spoke finally trying to run his hands through his hair but failed cuz of his mike-hawk (;

'And it's all HIS falut' I said pointing towards Joshs room

'matt.. ' mike said

'what?'

'nothing'

*Silence*

'So did you just leave Josh there ?' i said

'yah' they said at the same time

'with the razor ?' I asked

'Fuck! ' mike said and started running towards josh's room

Ian and I followed , both running as well ,

When we got to josh's room he was laying on the floor with another slit in his wrist , white as a ghost , but still breathing .

'Call 9-1-1!' Ian told me .


End file.
